you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
My bed smells like the plague
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
