why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
