I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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