Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
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