he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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