Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
