Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
