We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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