Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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