The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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