No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
