Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Randomize
