I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
