I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
