She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
splinters make it hard to masturbate
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.