I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
23 Strangest Things That Gave Dudes A Boner
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
These 21 People Shouldn’t Be Giving Dating Advice
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.