I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
he's gonorrhea incarnate
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.