is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
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I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
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She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance