I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
