Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
