I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
it was like having sex with a tree stump
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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