if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
