It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I'm both gender and math confused
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