I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
