he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
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