I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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