TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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