I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
