Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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