Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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