Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
