I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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