FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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