Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
