I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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