Ambien. No doubt about it.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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