youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
