PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Randomize
