dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
