I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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