Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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