You smell like stripper and shame
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
