Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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