Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Randomize
