Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
