Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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