If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
