remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
