I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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