i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
