just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
