im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize