All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
