I faked an abortion last night.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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