I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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