You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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