Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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