We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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