a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
