Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
this just has baby written all over it
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
