So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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