I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
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Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
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Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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