So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
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